Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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