Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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