I puked a lego.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
