so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
