I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
