You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
