The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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