Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
