Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
