Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
