life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
