just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
