I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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