If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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