I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
