theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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