mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
