Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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