Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
