I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
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