You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
