A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
