She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
