We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
