I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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