the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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