My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
