a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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