we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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