I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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