you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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