Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
