You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
