He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
