I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
