so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
