omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
