The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
