I'm so fucking centered right now
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
