just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
