I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
