I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
