i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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