Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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