Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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