Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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