Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
