We're like a lot better than the average bears
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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