Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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