Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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