It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
