There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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