Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
