Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
