i already hear my dad disowning me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
