I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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