don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
